If you’ve noticed or haven’t noticed, I have been absent on the content this past week. It has been a very crazy, eye opening month so far and I am in a place now where I think I can face what March has taught me.
Out of the 3 months so far, March has been the biggest learning lesson for me. To some degree, I have a responsibility to be transparent with you all in the best way that I can and to be honest, things right now haven’t been so great.
March has been hard and in general, I have a lot on my plate. I am grateful for it all because I am growing but the one thing that has been the hardest to accept is facing the one thing that has been screaming in my face: my health.
It’s taken me sometime to really confront this issue head on and acknowledge that I have a problem but I’m here now and I am ready to speak my truth about this.
So let’s get personal…
This past month I’ve felt like I’ve had to play a part all the time. I had to be the best student, friend, professional, blogger, whatever it is. I’ve had to be… THAT person and maybe I brought that upon myself but during this time I also have been eating less than 900 calories and anything more scares me. This has been going on for a few months now and other bad food/eating habits have come along with it as well.
It’s exhausting and I am tired trying to live this role I want to actually live my life and be who I am while going through this. I know we all have things we go through in life and sometimes we need to take a step back to reassess ourselves and I am continuing to do that.
Weird right? I have a food blog and I write about food and I talk about food how could I have a problem? Well, you see that I was never like this. Somethings have happened that brought me to this point and it got so bad that I didn’t realize it was happening. I don’t look like the type of person who could have a bad relationship with food but I do and I am going to be upfront about it.
You would never have thought by my Instagram or social media. Social media tends to be a highlight reel of everyone’s lives and how everyone is good all the time when in reality that is probably far from their truth. I pride myself on being transparent in person and in social media and I felt like I was living this lie. I don’t know who I am completely but I know I wasn’t living my truth and I had a problem with that.
Am I going to post about how it’s hard all the time? No BUT I do owe you guys the truth and this is it. I saw all these people on social media happy when I knew moments before they probably didn’t feel that way. Everyone is going through something right now. Big or small it’s happening. What has been happening in my life, seems like it’s engulfed me. Sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes it honestly feels like food is poison. I have counted every calorie, I have a weird obsession over ingredients in my food, and I need to see exactly what’s in my food and how much of it.
I lost my normal and I have been fighting everyday to get it back and I thought I was the only person ever to go through this but as I started talking to more people about how I was feeling the more people started to talk about their hardships with food. I never knew how close it was to me. I go out nowadays and it takes a lot to get myself to do something as simple as eating. It’s been hard to get two “meals” in a day and what I consider is a meal is probably VERY different in what you consider a meal. Right now, a meal to me is a banana and that’s 105 calories. To someone with a normal/healthy mindset with food, a meal is 4 times much calories. I know calories don’t matter but right now that’s how I determine what food is “good” and “bad”.
I didn’t see how bad it was getting until recently and partly because I thought I had it under control but I was convincing myself that what I was doing was normal. Eating 400-900 calories a day is not normal by any standard. Plus I workout and I lead a pretty active lifestyle. That’s not healthy. It’s not sustainable and it’s not a life I want to live anymore.
It’s not like I can switch it off but with treatment, doctors, therapy, and a rock solid support system (which I have btw) I know I am going to be okay. I know this moment in my life doesn’t define me. I’m me but I am lost and I am struggling and I am not too prideful to admit that I have a hard time eating food and enough of it. It has taken a toll on my health in every aspect and maybe I will dive deeper into that later but I know that if I keep up with where I am at now, it could kill me and I don’t want that. I want to stay alive, I want to be healthy, and I want to feel like myself again.
But for now this is the extent I am comfortable talking about it. I will keep you all updated as my recovery continues but yeah, this has been happening. You may not have known but now you do and let me know if you have any questions.