Well…here we are. A series that I started on my blog is finally met it’s match. This is a tough one for me to articulate because 2018 felt like I was hit by a bus every single month but it had a lot of amazing moments. It has pushed me. It has challenged me. It’s made me cry. It’s made me yell. It’s made me starve. But I am so thankful because, in the troughs, I have found pockets of peace most importantly, I found myself.
I entered 2018 with so much anxiety because I knew that it was going to be one hell of a year but never could I have imagined actually surviving. I’ve never felt more strong. I am basking in so much gratitude during this point and looking back at where my life was last year, I was not where I am today. I am not around the same people, circumstances, or even city. So many aspects of my life have changed.
Some highlights
- Launched my blog on January 17th
- Became an online student and moved to Charlotte
- Overcame a painful eating disorder
- Reunited with some important family members
- Successfully completed my third technical internship at one of the largest financial institutions in the world
- Redefined what it meant to be “me” again
- Removed myself from toxic situations
- Helped launch a high school program with a non-profit
- Met amazing people who have shaped the woman I am today
- Got a whole bunch of plants (a new fiddle tree just added to the mix)
- Took some time much needed time off for 2 months in California
- Went to NYC for the first time
- Ate a lot of great food in NYC
- Went to a lot of amazing events this year and looking forward to working with more brands in the future
- Got my first successful promo code. Techytk for 50% off your first bag of coffee https://www.drinktrade.com/
I am probably missing a bunch of key moments but this is an amazing opportunity for me to look back and marvel each and every one of those highlights. It’s more than just the plants, the moving, the transitions. It’s the fact that we all came out of this year successful. Whatever that looks like to you. Even if you don’t feel it, the fact that you are breathing is a success.
I know that for a lot of people this year was also really hard. I haven’t met a single person who said this year was easy. There were enjoyable moments to be had but the Universe forced everyone to experience some of the worst in their lives to make them stronger and more resilient. Whenever I feel this overwhelming pain I always try to ground myself in the fact that it’s happening to make me stronger as a person. I imagine the pain as if I were standing at a shoreline watching the waves come in and crash onto me but remaining firm. Some waves are bigger than others but no matter the storm, you remain planted.
The holidays are always a challenging time of year for so many people. I know that even around the people you call family you can feel alone and broken but I assure you, as someone who knows what that feels like, the brokenness won’t last forever. The pain you’re feeling is temporary even when it doesn’t feel like it. In the worst bouts of my depression, I didn’t see the light. I thought it was going to be eternal and that I didn’t deserve to feel happy or loved by myself or others. It took a lot of time, therapy, and hard work to come to a place where I am at peace. It doesn’t mean that I’m not depressed or anxious but it means that I can look at all the things in my life and know how to find peace in those moments. I am still actively working on that to become better because I understand that it’s a process. Healing takes time. Letting go of anger is a hard thing to do. I think we all rely on temporary toxic things and people to lean on to get through it or to make it hurt less but in fact, it hurts us even more. I struggled with that. I self-medicated for months and I chose not to love myself by being around people who didn’t love all the parts of me.
At some point this year, I decided that I wanted to feel better. Whatever that meant. I became obsessed with figuring out what the hell it meant to me. I didn’t know what it was but I knew that whatever I was feeling wasn’t good and I wanted to literally feel nothing or feel the opposite. I needed to gain some control in my life because it seemed like I lost it or I gave it away too easily.
The first 6 months of the year taught me that I needed myself before I needed anymore. It taught me the importance of taking reign of your own life and how beautiful it can be when you finally see the light in yourself and you work to share that with others. I felt so empowered coming out of the first half but I still was broken and frustrated in that.
This second half of the year taught me patience, grace, and to slow down. The feedback I get from leaders or people I work with is to “slow down”. I always feel like my brain is moving at the speed of light and I can’t seem to control it. I am working so hard so I can learn how to be patient in times where my attention to detail is necessary. I made a lot of careless mistakes this year. Looking back on it, I knew I could do better but it’s okay to fail but just fail gracefully and quickly.
This entire year felt like a long transition. Every few months something occurred where I had to replant myself. It made me see that it doesn’t matter where you are or who you’re around, you have to be your own peace. There is nothing that can offer you that other than yourself.
I look back to the series and I am so glad I took a catalog of what this year taught me. Each month had a lesson of its own. The different seasons of this year allowed me to uncover new things about myself that I hadn’t known existed before.
In 2019, I hope to be challenged in new ways. I hope I can learn how to control my emotions and gain emotional independence. I hope to start new ventures that push me out of my comfort zone. I hope to get deeper in my faith and learn how to be patient on my journey. I hope to attract and spread light in ways I didn’t know I could. I hope I keep discovering who I am and refine what my purpose is to me. I pray that those around me feel peace from their demons and have the understanding that in order to get better you must learn how to remove yourself for people and places that no longer serve you. I hope I can start to see the life God has built for me. I want to better understand what His purpose is for my life and how it’s meant to change others. I pray that I can do more for others and work on the important areas that will build me into a stronger woman. I hope to become closer to my family.
This year was so hard as I said earlier but mu intuition tells me that 2019 is going to be magical in new ways. I can’t even imagine what my life would be if it weren’t for the intense pain I had to endure this year. I just hope that 2019 will offer me new ways to fail, to grow, and to blossom. I am hoping for magic.
A Happy New Year to all. I hope God releases what is weighing on your heart and opens a new chapter where you can live freely, openly, and compassionately. I hope you all have a safe, happy New Year.
Is Anyone Really Listening? 